Ups and downs

Last Thursday I managed to renew my gym membership and on Saturday I finally got myself to actually make use of it. I spent 1 hour on a crosstrainer and felt great. For a couple of hours at least. The next day I felt muscles I haven’t felt in quite a long time. But one thing I remember was a slogan I’ve read on the crosstrainer’s display: “You’ve taken the first step …” and I was quite happy about it.

These days it’s really hard to see progress. Everything seems to happen so slowly while all I want is to get over with this part of my life. Tonight I am going to check out another apartment and then I will make a decision about where I want to stay in the future. I already picked a bed I want and keep looking for furniture, but while it’s entertaining to think what I want, I feel frustrated to not be able and actually buy it.

My son seems to have picked up the mood at home. He doesn’t behave differently or at least I can’t put my finger on it, but I am pretty sure, he noticed something. I feel really sorry for him. His parents should do everything to protect him, yet we are the reason for this uncomfortable time. Also I started to think about how I can explain the situation to him. It feels wrong to tell him that I love him, but I will leave the house nonetheless because his mother and me are not happy together. Deep down I know that I rather show him that relationships sometimes end with a breakup and sadness than to teach him to stay in a unhappy and probably unhealthy marriage. But that’s something he might understand in later years. Right now it’s only destroying his believe that his parents will always be there for him as a team. I keep telling him that I love him and always do. Every. Single. Day. I hope he believes me. The new places I’ve been looking at are within walking distance, even for a 6-year-old boy. I looked for furniture so he can spend nights at my place, even though it might not happen or be as many nights as I wish for. Still, I wonder when and how to tell him.

It’s my mother’s birthday today, so I should call. Though I’ve already written her an email about everything, I am nervous about actually speaking to her. You can consider your words when writing, but during a conversation I feel pressured to find the right words and more often than not the wrong ones come out.

I seem to enjoy spending time at the office. There I can talk with people and forget about my own problems, at least until I am behind my desk and failing miserably at trying to concentrate on my job. It’s easy to google breakups and divorce topics, do online-shopping, etc. so I often find myself wasting my time being unproductive, but because I am pretty good at what I do I can still keep up with my team mates. Hopefully this improves rather soon. OK, back to work, at least for 4 more hours, then I leave to check out the last apartment.