Entering yet another stage of my life

It’s always hard to find the first few words announcing and explaining such a decision, but let’s get it out of my system: my wife and I broke up 2-3 weeks ago.

While it feels to me like she didn’t really want it (even though she suggested it first), I wholeheartedly want this and will proceed separating our lifes how I think is as fair as possible for everyone involved. Obviously, since we have a son together and own a house with a mortgage on it, it’s not like I could just leave. So I tried sitting down with her and have a honest conversation between adults without blaming but just discussing the future and how we will go separate ways. While we kept it peacefully at first, we couldn’t agree on custody for our son. She won’t accept shared custody, while I won’t accept anything else but shared custody. I could accept anything, paying more, working more, but not loosing the place in my son’s life by simply becoming someone who pays the bills but isn’t visible (or only when the mother needs a cheap babysitter). To make matters worse, she announced to do everything she can to ruin me financially and make sure she gets full custody, even by using smeer campaigns, unless I just disappear and obey her terms or … stay. So, I could stay with her, sleep in the guestroom, pretend to our son that everything is fine, and live in a loveless marriage. Or I could face the consequences. Since I never let anyone blackmail me, and feel like pretending to be happy towards my son is counterproductive, I will have to face everything she will throw at me. Fair enough.

So what did I do since then? I started looking for a new place to live which is close to the current one to stay close to my son. Even if I get some kind of visiting rights, I want him to be in the most familiar environment I can offer. Then I contacted a lawyer to help me get ready for the worst case and start the process to get divorced. Some people suggested therapy, but since I will be busy with my job, driving my son to school, moving to a new place, etc. I hope to get through this in one piece without seeing a shrink. Instead I will write about my feelings as honestly as I can as a DIY therapy. What is left is a lot of time to wait for this to proceed. Again, I keep myself busy during the day and until I have put my son to bed, that works. I have a positive attitude about the future, at least about most things at most times. Starting a new life is actually a cool thing, when you are sick of your old life. I enjoy looking for new places or checking for new furniture. I am looking forward to more time to do what I want instead of trying to make a toxic relationship work somehow. I smile during the day.

But during the nights I have trouble keeping my sanity. I am honestly scared of what the mother of my son will do. While nothing has happened so far beside her ignoring the fact that we broke up, doing business as usual, and even inviting me to lunch or to sight seeing trips, I can’t get the threads out of my head, so I avoid contact as much as possible. Any remains of trust in her had already taken heavy damage due to events I don’t feel comfortable sharing yet, but even those remains have been shattered now. I sleep less than 6 hours per night, eat only 2 meals per day and don’t even finish half the meals, smoke too many cigarettes and it slowly takes a toll on me. While I don’t mind loosing some weight with probably 40% of my total weight being unhealthy fat, I mind not sleeping well. Might be a good time to renew the membership of my old gym and do some exercise. That should help. Will try that tonight.